I put the cup to my lips and took a sip out of that creamy yet bittersweet cappuccino, sugar-less, as I prefer it to be.
“Sorry,” I muttered as my voice reverberated across the empty lounge, interjected by the noise of the spinning ceiling fan above. I know, any apology at this point would sound like an excuse, regardless how I sugar-coat it to be.
I re-placed my cup upon the table with subtly trembling hands. “I know it wasn’t pretty; how I dealt with the whole issue. It wasn’t…” I wrapped both hands around my cup, hoping that the warmth radiating from it would give me strength and courage, to finally do the right thing .
“I…wasn’t thinking…straight,” I added, “…such things never happened before. I mean, I…I…never thought I’m…likeable…or…loveable…”
Feeling my cheeks burning hot against the cool breeze, I lowered my gaze back onto my cup, staring into the patterns from the coffee stain on the table. My nerves weren’t helped by this prolonged silence, as my head continues to scavenge for words.
“And I thought…YOU weren’t thinking straight…at that time…I don’t know. I don’t know what’s the right thing to do.” I shifted my legs uncomfortably, as cold sweats starting to drench through the denim.
“I know…I know I was a coward…so…I ran away.” Hastily, I took up the cup, sipped on it, and embarrassingly choked myself. It was abrupt and unexpected, but as I recovered, I find myself steadier, if not stronger.
“I used to think…you know…what if I did this…or that…all kinds of what if’s. I’ve imagined all kinds of future, all kinds of tomorrows. All kinds of possibilities.”
“The window was so-wide-open…and I didn’t have the guts to go through it…nor the courage to firmly close it back.”
Holding my head in both palms, I begin to feel tears smudging across my face. For the very first time, I wept, after all these years. I gave myself the luxury to sob for a minute or two, before steadying myself, to brace for my concluding statement.
“Regret…is a very potent poison; it eats you up from the inside.I know that another opportunity might never come again, but if it does, I just want you to know that my door remains opened, just as you once did for me. Only time, perhaps, can purge this burden off my conscience.”
I looked up, trying to visualize YOU sitting across me. But there was nothing, apart from an empty seat, an empty presence. I know, I have no one but myself to blame…
for we were once so close, yet now so far
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