Bittersweet

“Yeah, this is kinda weird,” you remarked, still staring at my ceiling.

“Yes it is,” I responded with equal rhetoric. “I hope this changes nothing,” I continued.

“Of course not,” you gave a rather weak smile which I didn’t think you noticed yourself. Repositioning my head on your broad shoulders, I shifted deeper towards your neck, resting a quick kiss on your cheeks.

“Please don’t,” I whispered into your ear. “Don’t make promises that you know you might not keep.”

You said nothing in reply, knowing well what I meant in context. To your credit, you did forced yourself a smile, although it did nothing in your attempt to pacify the growing restlesss inside me.

“I had fun yesterday,” you broke your silence.

“It’s always about the sex, eh?” Grimly, I posted that question against your stonily expression. Seeing you caught out like that really did gave me an ego boost, but I probably should cut you some slack.

“Silly you,” I reached out and gave you a kiss on your forehead, before uncovering my naked legs that was hidden under the thick cozy duvet. Skilfully, I wrapped myself with the bathrobe lying on the floor. I blushed as soon as I saw you staring at me. I was not going down without a fight.

“Petrified?” I said with a high pitched voice, like those posh ladies in London, “By my beauty?”

“Hardly,” you responded with a chuckle. Clearing your throat, you switched to a scouser accent, “I was more impressed by the perfectly shaped booty of yours!”

What followed after was a pillow fight; grabbing the closest pillow to me I bang it as hard as I could against you. Without retaliating, your parried away all my attacks. Frustrated, I held on to the pillow tightly before diving onto the bed, trying to pin you down under all those thick cottons. Throughout the mini skirmish your laughter resonated all over the room.

Finally you decided to retaliate. With a huge heave you overturned the tables; I was now the one pinned under your big arms, unable to move. The laughter ceased along the fight. I was staring right at you but I no longer blushed. You cracked a smile and kissed me full in the lips. I thought you tasted like honey lemon with a tinge of tobacco.

Bittersweet.

Indifference

"Is this how things are going to be?"

She offered no quarters, barking her thoughts out loud. Outside the window laid the busy streets of Manhattan, even deep into the evening, were still bustling with heavy traffic, noises of horns and sirens reverberating throughout the great city of New York.

Yet within these four walls there was an eerie silence permeating, filling up every corner of the apartment.  

“………………………………………………………….”

He didn’t even looked into her eyes. Instead, with mechanical precision he shoved properly diced pieces of meat and salad down his throat, crunching and chewing them with great appetite. On the opposite bank of the divide, she was staring deep into her plate of Caesar Salad, her fork shovelling and uprooting the lettuce from beneath before covering the crumbs and breast meat with them.

 “I don’t like this,” she whispered softly yet confident that he could hear every single word. When mum was the response, she proceeded.

 “I can take anger, resentment, violence. Anytime, anywhere,” her eyes began to tear, voice slightly trembles. “But this…” she shook her head before burying it in her hands.

“………………………………………………………….”

Inhaling deeply, she ran her hand from her forehead, forcing her drooping hair backwards into a tidier arrangement, unveiling her reddish nose and bloodshot eyes. Her throat felt dry so she took a few sip of the chilled water, but choked as she tried to swallow too fast. Feeling her palms on the table for napkins, she finally managed to grab one before relieving herself.

Upon regaining her composure, she placed the glass where it was first placed. For a moment she thought she had never placed any napkins nearby when she was setting the table. Suspiciously she eyed him. Still eating with great appetite, he ignored her.

“So be it.”

你这也太潇洒了吧？

你这也太潇洒了吧？

“Mojito.”

说分就分，说断就断。他对着电话已有三天，对手机的每个震动，信号通知都有过于的期待和渴望。查看了来信者就会垂头丧气，闷闷不乐。说起来，他也并非完全无过；一向来自尊心极强的他却不甘下风向你祈求。他说不是面子问题，而这是他衡量自己在你心目中的份量到底有多重的一个方式。

说着他又把酒杯里头的烈酒灌了，用力把杯子塌在柜台上，豪爽地命令调酒师再呈上一杯鸡尾酒。

“Mojito，again.”

你可曾经问他，那么多鸡尾酒当中，为何最喜欢Mojito? 这酒，他并不常喝。你去年夏天外地出差，一出就出了四天，他就连接喝了四晚；上个月他回乡探亲，每晚这个时候不是去了酒吧，就是在家里端了啤酒自个儿喝着。这回你们小闹一番，他就溜了这自己一个人喝。
 

你说他这是在喝闷酒吗？奇怪的是每当他端着酒杯，就是呆呆地晃着，细看着薄荷叶在酒里飘荡着。过了片刻，叶片逐渐沉在杯底，他才一口把酒全灌了。

“Mojito.”

调酒师脸上挂着怪异的表情，似乎担心他会把自己灌醉，又或者好奇这怪客何以什么都不喝，只喝这带点辛辣，味道稍微平淡的Mojito鸡尾酒。调酒师最后还是把他要的饮料给呈上。刚伸手他顿时呆了，凝望着身前半尺以外的酒杯，不时脸上就流下了两道溪水。他闭了双眼，咬着嘴唇，摆上了一幅回到过去的表情。人在这里，心灵却该是回到了以往跟你相处的美好光阴。

你这也太潇洒了吧？

Message in the bottle...

I was baffled, you were holding an empty Johnny Walker bottle in your hand, and I wasn’t entirely sure what you meant by that.

“Empty bottle?” I asked quizzically.

Smiling in reply, you proceeded to leave the bottle in my arms, turned around and walked nearer towards the bank. I followed as I witnessed you rustling for something in your backpack, trying to dig out something from that pile of mess.

“Where is it…where is it?” With my mouth gaping, I wanted to ask what this was about, but seeing you so engrossed trying to do something seemed to be enchanting in some ways. I swallowed back my curiosity.

“Ahah!” Triumphantly, you thrust your fist into the air as you turned around, your face glittering with joy. Sometimes I do wonder, how was it that you do what you did?

While your euphoria subsided at the sight of my ever baffling expression, your smile remained sincere. Tilting my head a little towards the left, I subtly indicated that I was still pretty much unsure about what you were intending to do.

It was then you held out your palm, revealing a piece of charcoal and a stack of sticky notes…

***********************************

“Hey there…what have we got here?” Blacky the dog wagged and sniffed furiously at a protruding piece of glass at the shore.

“Hush boy, hush!” you threw his favourite tennis ball a dozen a yards towards the inland, trying to distract from his new toy, and boy how fast he went.

Foolishly, you tried kicking that shinning piece of glass, only to numb your toes from the impact. Slightly unimpressed, you dug around the bottle and gave a hard thug. Before you knew it, you were on your backside having pulled too hard.

You almost swore until you saw it – there was a message in the bottle.

*******************************************

“I can’t believe that you still remember that!” I barked against the backdrop of the waves chiselling the rocks.  “I thought you never knew.”

Again, you put on the same smile that you always have, pure and pristine. “I knew it ever since I saw that bottle on your piano…” you finally broke your silence, before adding on “the chip at the neck…it was on purpose so that I could tell.”

“You knew all along? You played me good,” half snorting and half laughing, I rested both palms in my back pocket. “You knew all along.”

*******************************************

You thought people only write and put them in bottles, but this had not words. Instead in the bottle was a portrait. The lines were crude, uneven and thick, but there was a sense of elegance beneath that murky scribbling. It was mythical and stunning. It was you.

“This can’t be ink…nor lead,” you muttered to yourself, by now Blacky was already feverishly nudging his snout against your thighs, asking for a replay. “Go get them,” you said as you threw as hard as you could, this time even further than it was.

Staring at your own little reflection, you rested yourself a couple of yards away from the water, putting the now emptied bottle next to you. Turning the portrait around you scribbled something on the back, before reinserting the portrait back into the bottle. You almost threw the bottle before a thought struck. Picking up a small sharp rock, you chipped away the neck of the bottle, making a very minute yet easily distinguishable mark on it, before releasing it back into the wild that it may continue on its voyage.

*******************************************

“So when I invited you over…” I stuttered as I tried to supress my own laughter.

“…I knew it was you,” you responded in equal hysteria. “I half suspected that you put that bottle in plain sight, expecting me to know right away.”

“But….” I shook my head in disbelief.

“Yeah…” you responded, looking at your toes digging into the wet sand, your hands behind your back.

“You didn't show any response to the bottle so I thought…you may have forgotten,” I took several strides closer, and beneath my breath I prayed that you stay exactly where you were. “I thought that erm,” I stumbled trying to find the correct words, “erm…it was pretty cool of you to find it.”

“It was,” you whispered, and as I caught those words my heart went racing. “I figured it would be nice to start on a clean slate,” you continued yet you fixated your eyes over the horizon, ignoring and pretending my stares on you.

Words failed me, so I held out my hand. This time you responded. Smiling, you turned around and held both the sticky notes and piece of charcoal. Picking up all the signals, I gave you a smile, after which I wrap my hands over yours, and led you towards the fallen coconut tree several metres behind and set us down.

“What are you gonna draw?” your voice slightly mellow yet furnished with tinges of hope, you asked.

“I’m going draw,” I drew you near, landing my lips on yours, indulging myself in that moment, holding the world in my arms, I whispered into your ears.

“I’m going to draw us.”

*******************************************

悔

刮风四起，落叶狂掉。沉默已久的回忆，经过光阴的流失，重新敞开歌喉，高声啸叫。

悠记当年的我，多么无知，多么天真。半点都不理解人情事物，做任何事都未曾三思。所谓年少轻狂，凭着一股热血，要做就做，根本没顾及后果，更没考虑过会如此伤害身边的朋友，更没想过会负于对自己心满期望的人。

当年的我，就是如此的不自爱。

一个人沮丧、失败、孤独到某种程度，那面会做些令人匪夷所思的事情。此乃人生常轮；均无星辰的夜晚，遥望大海，在漆黑都好，总想从哪一片黑暗看破现实的残酷，人生的艰苦。生老病死，悲乐离合，谁无不曾经历过？但往往当局者迷常常把自己献上当自己狭窄胸膛的傀儡，任这些负能量掌管心思意念，我行我素。

记忆犹新，当年就是这样踏上了不归路；把全部关心自己的人都逼上了不归路。虽说学业顺利，事业有成，好友连连，心里一角总觉空虚。这其实也不算什么；心理学兼说每人潜意识中都会有个私欲，就好比荣格述说人本性所求的离不开满足自己的性欲。哲学推广的也离不开人生道德观念级做人目标。至于宗教信仰，不就是吧心里的那份空虚，积聚在一位（或多位）超自然，人称万能的神明身上？

此时细雨遍地，枯叶依旧堕落着，留在我肩膀上。一片一片枯叶打在身上，就好比当时内心良知温和的劝勉和警告。突然天空一闪，雷响四方。我闭着双眼，双拳紧握，把头向天，迎接雨滴。

我最后还是抹杀了良知，抹杀了天真，抹杀了无知，全然阔了出去。

无可否认，全然阔了出去，就好像笼子里的一头狼，重新的自由。天下之大之宽之阔，何处不留人？抱着这种狂妄自恋的心态心，我铁了心，答应自己不再浪费人生每秒每刻，全然享尽人间荣华富贵，满足自己内心任何欲望及私欲。多么快活！

说走就走，说放就放。工作就打了通电话就辞去了，家里的东西一概没碰。而家人是通过老板暴躁的口气中得知自己早不知所踪。那天姐尝试打来好几遍，着急地问个明白。良知方被埋没，想着爸妈年老以迈，自己又是独生子，想到自己实为不孝，就给姐打了回去。

姐半喊半哭，苦苦哀求我回家团聚，何事一块儿说出来。说着说着，姐没听见我回音，就顿时安静了。我趁机说了三字:“我走了”就把电话挂上，整部电话就投进了茫茫无边大海。

一去就八年没回过家，完全没没和家人，朋友、同事联系过。一个人无名无份，如此渺茫，要消失在六十亿人群中，易如反掌。彻彻底底，干干净净，一了百了。

烟酒嫖赌，我享尽荣华富贵。每晚陪伴入睡的，名字也从不过问。只要直性子，你情我愿，各得所求，何乐而不为? 四海为家皆兄弟，一起干过杯，就自认结拜兄弟。视金如粪土，花钱如水，不出三个月，存储就已花光。

额头上再次闪了一下，而随后的雷声比之前更加大声，足见风雨正是朝着自己刮来。手中虽握着雨伞，却也没敞开遮雨，任大雨在身上打着。大树摇晃得厉害，坠落的树叶不再是枯叶，而是经不起风雨的青嫩树叶。

就在如同这晚一样的夜晚，我从噩梦中惊醒。

存储虽已用光，但毕竟自己还是有点小聪明。我唯一不碰的就是毒品，不是因为我明白毒品的害处，而是清楚知道很多贩毒伙子因自己也染上了毒物，常常沦落到自己无可自拔的地步，逼死自己。我决意纯粹贩卖毒物，以来不让自己陷入绝境，二来尽量从每单生意里赚取最多的利润。一单生意就可为此这长达六个月五花八门的生活。如此疯狂，如此堕落！

就那晚酒喝多了些，回到厢房又和刚搭上的美妞大战四回，我沉沉入睡。熟睡当而，梦中一片黑暗，却突然传来哀叫声，我突然惊醒。女郎仍然在我身旁熟睡，但我已汗流浃背，身飙冷汗。心神未定，窗外就刮了大风，雷电交加。我思路混乱，六神无主。走到窗前，仰望着海角上的灯塔，一闪一闪的，有如召唤着我，召唤着我回家。

我梦中听见了我姐。

流浪天边多年，故地早已沧海桑田，人事已非。提着沉重的脚步，两手空空，我回到那曾今温馨的家。走到门前，敲了两下，开门的却是一张陌生的面孔。原来，曾今是多么的遥远，多么的陌生，我俩已互不相识。时间不留人！

我泪如滔滔江水，脸颊上流着两条长长的溪水，是泪是雨，无人知晓。面对着墓碑，却没有勇气呐喊大哭，因我深知自己早已抛弃了为他们吊丧的权利。不孝不义之子，颜面何在？天地不纳，无地自容！

或许这是对自己最好的惩罚。对我而言，人间已无情无义。再美再好再漂亮的人事物，不再有意可言。倾盆大雨之下，我独自流荡，而脚下的三尺尘土，牢牢护着昔日顾我爱我却被我彻底伤害过的人，永隔阴阳。剩下的就是无比的寂寞和永恒的自责及懊悔。

Come By Faith

I have no words to calm your heart,

or the presence to give you assurance.

Take a little leap of faith,

come, pray with me.

 

I have neither the expertise to ease your pain,

nor the control over the sore and ache.

But do take this leap of faith,

come, weep with me.

 

I lay no claim that I can comprehend,

what you are going through.

Do take the leap of faith,

Come, wail with me.

 

There are no magic words to sooth the agony,

or the power to make these go away.

Let’s take this little leap of faith,

Come, jump with me.

 

I have no faith in the age-old lie,

that “All would be, and will be well”.

But believe me, for “What will be, will be”,

So come, soar with me.

 

Let none the bells of St. Peter’s gate,

high up ringing and  lamenting in grief.

But should it must, then so be it,

for I’ll always be here for you,

 

SO HAVE A LITTLE FAITH IN ME,

COME, COME LEAP WITH ME!!!

 

F/N: This is dedicated to a dear friend who is struggling to overcome a massive challenge in life. There are no words to express the mortifying agony that stems from my inability to do anything to provide any form of assistance. There is nothing that I can offer other than these words; a sincere prayer, the anguish expressed from the heart. May these words of prayer be a source of comfort to this dear friend in time of trial and need. And amidst of the troubled waters, gives hope and form to the words embedded beneath all the pain and sorrow. May this poem also be the prayer for all that may also be struggling with life.

P.S. I hope that despite everything that happened, it is well with your soul.

Prince

Seven hours and fifteen days.

Seven hours and fifteen days since he left me. I came home one day after school to find him gone. My Prince was gone. And all that was left was a cold, empty space where he used to be. I was devastated. But no tears fell.

Prince has beautiful grey eyes, and hair of gold that resembled a mop. Eggs, ice-cream and cheese were his favorite. Born in May, he looked just like the start of summer. I took him for walks in the field behind my apartment, and as the wind blew, his hair blew and his eyes started to squint. And during those moments in time, his profile looked just like James Dean. He loved music too. Whenever I sat down to play the piano, he would curl up beside me, listening intently. His kisses were incredibly warm and sloppy.

But Prince was gone.

The next day, I left for school as usual, but there was no one to wish me a good day as I turned the doorknob and walked out. I shut the door, locked it, and started to cry. I cried on the way to the station, cried as I tapped by annual pass on the card reader. Cried on the platform while I was waiting for the train, and cried in the train while standing. I paid no heed to the passengers around me, but yet the group of high school girls sitting before me, clasping their elaborately decorated school bags, continued to stare intensely at my face.

"Here, you can have my seat."

A voice echoed from behind me. I turned around and traced it to a boy of about 19, who donned a white polo shirt and a blue pull over. He was so very handsome.

"Thank you."

With a mosquito-like voice from all that crying, it was the only thing I could manage to say in return. Once again, just like the school girls, this young boy stared continuously at me with his deep grey eyes without moving.

He got off at the same stop as me, the final stop, Shibuya. He followed me. I wondered why until he caught up with me, repeatingly asking if I was alright. I continued walking, ignoring him. But he was by side all the time. Little by little, I might have felt slightly comforted about Prince's absence.

"How about some coffee?", he asked.

It was mid-December and the wind was ever so strong. Only 2 weeks left till Christmas and he led me into a coffee shop decorated with a Christmas tree, topped with an angel. He looked at the menu, unable to decide.

"Is it OK if I order some ice-cream?", he asked.

"Go ahead.", I replied. And from the looks of it, he was definitely expecting me to pay for our morning meal.

"Well, looks like I'm free for the rest of the day."

I had cancelled all intentions of attending lectures. At least, not today. I deserved a break.

We took the subway and got off at Ginza where he told me he had something good to show me. We walked along the high-rise office buildings for about fifteen minutes until he stopped before a small art museum. The things it had to offer were great by any standards, even though I'd never learnt to appreciate art. And in the midst of wandering around the claustrophobic room, I noticed a painting of a temple, possible located in India.

"I really love this.", he said while pointing at the delicately painted strands of grass in front of the temple. "It looks like the start of summer."

"You're a romanticist aren't you?" I asked, while he giggled in return.

An hour later, we exited the museum and went for a traditional Japanese comedy show. Prince loved them. I would wake up to the sound of the television sometimes and find him on the floor next to the remote, gazing happily at the screen. I couldn't believe the fact that he loved things like that. It was miraculous for someone like him. Without realizing it, my tears fell again as I stared at the actor on the stage.

Prince is gone.

Prince is no longer here with me.

We stepped out from the theater when the show ended.

"The year is coming to an end, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"And next year will be a new year right?"

"Yes."

"I had a great time today."

"Me too."

I stared at my feet the entire time he was talking to me.And before I could say anything more, he lifted my chin ever so slightly and stared into my eyes.

"Until now, and forever."

He had a gaze so deep, so nostalgic as he planted a kiss on my parted lips. But what I was amazed of wasn't his kiss. But the fact that that his kissed resembled that of Prince's. And I stood there, beneath the Victorian designed streetlights, unable to say a word.

"I really, truly loved you too."

His lonely smile resembled Prince, ever so slightly.

"I came back to tell you that. Well, goodbye."

As he uttered his final words, the traffic lights turned green and he hastily turned around and disappeared before my eyes, lost in the middle of the crowd. And there I was, standing still all alone, listening to the sounds of Christmas songs broadcasted from the shops beside me.

In Ginza, the night has just begun.